Relative Sacrifice

August 1, 2024

The relative in question does not refer to the group of people you share kinship with (sister, cousin, uncle), but to the comparative (he is tall relative to his friend). Don't be alarmed.

A quote from Tim Ferriss's Tools of Titans book grabbed my attention the other day.

"For a man to say, ‘I'm going to really try to be with one woman,' they're giving you… most of what they've got. They're giving you like 80%. For a woman, maybe she's giving you 35% [to be monogamous]... Or let's say I was very shy and I came out and was having a very nice conversation with you. Maybe I'm giving you 200% because of my nature."
- Gabby Reece

I brought this quote up with my (then pregnant) wife to show her that our marriage is probably a greater sacrifice for me than it is for her. We quickly agreed that growing and birthing a child is a much greater sacrifice, and that I am an idiot.

The underlying principle of the quote, however, still intrigued me.

Is a sacrifice of objective value worth the same to different people?

A $20 donation to the Salvation Army Santa at Walmart in December can come from someone who makes $10,000 a year or $100,000 a year. However, A 10% annual donation from either of those people would total to, respectively, $1,000 and $10,000.

Which sacrifice is greater? Does it matter?

The Bible has something to say about this.

"And He [Jesus] looked up and saw the rich putting their gifts into the treasury, and He saw also a certain poor widow putting in two mites. So He said, ‘Truly I say to you that this poor widow has put in more than all; for all these out of their abundance have put in offerings for God, but she out of her poverty put in all the livelihood that she had.'" - Luke 21:1-4

Let's say a big shot actor donates $1,000,000 to charity. Then let's say a woman living in her car charitably donates half of her remaining $100 to that Salvation Army Santa ringing the bell at Walmart.

Which donation does more good?

Clearly, the $1,000,000 donation has more potential to do good for others than a meager $50.

However, according to the Bible verse above, the $50 does more good for the woman who gave it than the big shot donor's big shot donation does for him.

Not every sacrifice is as straightforward as a monetary donation. Sacrifices come in all shapes and sizes, including cooking dinner, taking your kids to soccer practice, and spending time with your inlaws. While you can't put a price tag on these items, they still come at a cost. If you don't mind cooking dinner, but your partner hates it, then you offering to make dinner for them is a smaller sacrifice for you than it would be for them if they offered to make dinner.

There are two implications here.

First, you can alleviate stress on those around you by identifying sacrifices that are smaller for you relative to those around you (in this case, cooking dinner) and doing those things. In this approach, the total level of inconvenience/sacrifice decreases in the relationship, and that makes the relationship better for all parties involved.

Second, if someone makes a sacrifice for you that is large relative to them, it is an indication of how important you are to them. Understanding the relative weight of sacrifice for the people you interact with improves your ability to understand how those people feel about you.

Where does that leave us? You can improve your relationships with others by finding the relative weight of the sacrifices others make for you and respond accordingly. If they don't like making dinner, making dinner for them will mean a lot to them. And if you come home to a home-cooked meal made by someone who hates cooking, the gesture means a whole lot more.

At the end of our conversation about relative sacrifice, my wife told me that listening to The White Stripes in the car stresses her out and makes her feel unnecessarily aggressive. While I enjoy jamming out to The White Stripes in the car, it is easier for me to give that up than it is for my wife to endure it.

I won't play Icky Thump in the car anymore when we are together (sorry Jack and Meg).

Thank goodness she likes The Raconteurs.