August 16, 2024
"Practice really hearing what people say. Do your best to get inside their minds."
- Meditations, Marcus Aurelius
Fred Rogers, aka the Mr. Rogers you may have watched on PBS as a kid, had a unique way of interacting with people. He believed in the importance of listening to others and understanding their life experiences. This can be seen in his longtime friendship with François Clemmons, who played Officer Clemmons on the show.
Clemmons was one of the first African-American actors to have a recurring role on a children's TV show, and his inclusion was groundbreaking at the time. Rogers took the time to get to know Clemmons personally, understanding his struggles as a black, gay man. Clemmons has shared that Rogers didn’t just see him as an actor or a colleague—he saw him as a whole person, with a complex life story. "Fred Rogers saw me for who I am and loved me anyway." Rogers created a space where Clemmons felt safe to express himself and discuss the challenges he faced, both personally and professionally.
Clemmons wasn’t the only subject of Fred Rogers’ kindness. By treating everyone he met with deep empathy and a genuine interest in their life stories, he built strong, lasting connections. His ability to see and understand people for who they truly were allowed him to touch the hearts of millions of people around the world.
It is often difficult to know how to connect with people. Navigating social interactions can be challenging. We misunderstand one another, don’t know what to talk about, and miss opportunities for connection.
The ability to empathize and connect with people by getting to know them is not unique to Mr. Rogers.
Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People promotes genuine interest in the lives of others as a way of bonding. The 2009 indie film Fireproof compares relationships to getting an education. Do you have a high school degree’s worth of knowledge about your partner? What about a bachelor’s degree, masters, or PhD? The more you know about someone, the deeper your connection can be.
When I meet someone new, I think of their life as a compilation of stories that I don’t know.
You can have a stimulating, enriching conversation with almost anyone by coaxing these stories out of them with questions. The more stories I hear from someone, the better I know them, and the better the conversation tends to be.
I call this the Biography Method.
The Biography Method is a way of interacting with others by imagining that you are getting ready to write their biography. When you approach conversations from this angle, you become more curious in stories, empathetic about opinions and decisions, and focused on understanding the other person. This shift in perspective encourages active listening, thoughtful questions, and appreciation for the life experiences of the person you're talking to.
The Biography Method can be used in professional settings, personal relationships, and in casual encounters with new people. It can create trust in business settings, deepen romantic attachment, and make conversation easier and more meaningful.
So, next time you find yourself at a ball game with a friend, on a first date, at family dinner, or on a park bench with a stranger, be a little more like Mr. Rogers and try to connect with people. Ask them where they are from. Ask how they ended up here, of all places, and where they want to go next.
Give the Biography Method a try.
Everyone has a story to tell. Your job is to get them to tell it.
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